Truth and Art

In 5 hours, our first day of filming begins. And I am terrified. Can I admit that? Stone cold sweaty shaky clammy hands clutch my chest that can't breath and can I please go home now type of terrified.

I am not prepared, forgot my lines ten times today, afraid I will completely screw everything up, I need more time, damn it, there's not enough time to get it right! What if I suck? What if I'm brilliant, which could be worse. What if I'm the actor about whom the audience comments "wow, that character really blew!" while the credits roll? What if, what if , what if? Oh shit.

And this is the point where I read what has just been written and realize I sound like a schmuck.

So be it. For the next ten minutes, I am a schmuck. Because this is the biggest role I have had so far in a film of this caliber. And I desperately want to get it right. I know, "right" is a completely subjective term, and the wrong one for this situation. But it's the word that runs through my head. Shall I replace it with "well"? I want to do well? be spectacular? shine on the screen? Yes, all of those and more. But can I? I would love to have the self-confidence to unhesitatingly say "Yes!", but let's face it, insecure is a modern day catchword, and I am not exempt. Damn.

A pause.

Funny, reading my own words makes me a bit more determined, because being weak is irritating. I suppose that, in reality, none of it matters. Either way, in 5 hours the camera starts rolling and the huge group effort that makes a film will finally start to show results. Then we'll see what's what. Yes? Yes.

So.

Deep breath.

Here goes everything.

.................... thank you, friends, for listening. Good night.